We are the writers, producers and directors of Love Bytes; our labour of “maybe interested, not quite sure”.We are eight dedicated journalists with the University of Technology Sydney, who have a passion for modern romance in all its cringe inducing, screen-dependant and complicated glory.
To prove that we, like all of you, have no game, here is a collection of our worst dating stories.
It was the second or third time I’d met up with this guy. We went back to his place- late, drunk. I briefly wondered why all his furniture was in the middle of the room, but didn’t ask. At 7am, his mum called telling him to get out of the room because the painters were coming (he lived with his family, who I had not met.) He still wanted to sleep, so we ended up in his sisters bed. He snored, my eyes remained wide open. I didn’t feel quite so comfortable lying in his sixteen year old sisters bed in last nights underwear.
We were at Ikea, just strolling through the scented candle section and playing house. Then suddenly a look of dread came over his face, he got awfully quiet and started slowly walking away. At first I didn’t quite understand what had happened, but it didn’t take long for my nose to detect another kind of aroma that definitely hadn’t escaped from any of the candles. He probably still thinks that I didn’t notice because I never said a word, but unfortunately there’s just no way of concealing a fart when you’re in a enclosed space.
We met each other spontaneously and within a week we were on a date. It was all moving very fast, we barely knew each other but there was this undeniable physical chemistry. Beyond the lust there was just one problem: I said her name wrong on the date. Twice. Needless to say, that was our last date.
Swanky restaurant, two reds in. Everything going swimmingly. His eyes matched his tie. Best. First. Date. Ever. His fork dove into the truffle carbonara and spun tantalisingly, I was salivating at the pasta-laden utensil. Our eyes locked, his narrowed as mine widened. So repulsive was his next move that I feigned nausea and bolted from the restaurant, leaving two upturned wine buckets and an entrée in my wake. Men, please, public feeding is never okay.
We were in Year 10 and he still had his braces on. We’d known each other for years but we’d decided to take our relationship to the next level; a first date. This meant going to Chookas (Charlie’s Chargrilled Burgers) at our local shopping village after school. When he was done shovelling that burger down his gob like it was his last meal, he pulled out his little braces cleaning contraption and removed every bit of food stuck in his braces while still talking to me. A) who carries those things around with them, and B) don’t clean your filthy choppers in front of me you grot. That was the end of that relationship.
I was on a double date and it was reasonably important to make a good impression. I had the genius idea of suggesting we play a ‘let’s see how well we know our partner by asking them about their life’ game. The first warm up question was my date’s date of birth. An easy one to start off with, right? I was four months off. We had been dating for over a year. It took a lot of hard work to dig my way back out of that one.
I was on this really cute dinner date and everything was going great. He had even folded me a rose out of his napkin, which I’ll admit is pretty cheesy. Then somehow, I have no idea why, we ended up wrapping up the evening at Scary Canary, down near Darling Harbour. People grinding at one end of the club, trivia at the other end; it was horrible.
Michael Louis Kennedy
Once when I arrived at my date’s place after we had gone out for coffee we started making out before we’d even gotten through the door. It was very hollywood until my date opened the door while we were still making out and their dog ran outside. I didn’t see it coming, if I had I probably wouldn’t have accidentally kicked it in the face so hard.